I KNOW IT'S GONNA HAPPEN SOME DAY!

I begin my New Year with a mammoth migraine, which three Percocet 10/325s didn't touch. (The "10/325" refers to the pills consisting of 10mg oxycodone, which is what god eats for breakfast, and 325mg APAP, aka Tylenol, aka just about the best way to ruin your liver.)
But enough of that, for now... There will definitely be more complaining later. At the moment, here are some resolutions (you'll notice all are contingent on Number One...):

1, sorta.: To get on Social Security Disability finally finally finally (my first decision is due before May. ...That is, the first go-round in which People of Authority say whether I'm fucked up enough to qualify for SSD. I think about 1/3 of people are successful here. What I'll call the second pass is an administrative hearing.

You stand in front of a judge, who has seen all the evidence and made up her/his mind (read it in chambers, which is why s/he was an hour late opening the courtroom door and getting things started, even though you saw a person with a face just like her/his drinking deeply from a flask in their car in the parking lot... But it was the public lot, so it couldn't have been her/him... Or could it? People who are drinking at 7:00 usually are keeping things going from the night before, and certainly not rational). I'll be wearing a suit and sporting a cane, grunting with every move and, when I have to stand before her/hizzoner -- if I have the grapes -- I'll tell the maybe-lush that "It's a bad day, and if your honor doesn't mind, I believe I should sit for this."

In other words, I'll be standing. But, to prove I'm not a complete wuss (and if my case even goes to The Hearing...), I'll lean on my cane until it breaks. Or at least bends...

AND SO YOU MUST STAY TUNED BLOGFRIENDS!

OK, finally 2. To pay my parents back for room and board with the back-pay from the above. SSD pays you for some of the time you had to have a suck-ass life waiting for your benefits to come through.

Still, comparatively, my waiting period is likely better than many people's. My parents have a big house, a Wii, and the basement I call home is about 1,000 square feet. Plus I can TiVo Twin Peaks episodes... Though my daily watching of it is making me believe everyone in my town is a killer, and that strange forces exist in our woods...).

3. To move to Portland, Oregon with the rest of the weirdos.

4. To get and grow medicinal marijuana. (Legally, after number three -- so Michigan cops put away your batons!) All the Web forums and more and more medical literature is showing that it's one of the best things for pain. I read one where it topped everything but Kadian. And that's extended-release morphine, kids.

5. To buy a scooter! I imagine a great number of people in this country will say or think that doing so is "gay." However, the act of purchasing something cannot have a sexual orientation. And if you think you're insulting something by calling it "gay," don't make it a transaction... A swap of money for goods. Where's the fun in it?

Anyway, I'd like to think that going 60 mph on a seat cushion would earn someone a modicum of respect.

...My insecurities aside, if I have a scooter, I'll already be in Portland where, I hear, the scooter scene thrives. So riding a scooter won't be "gay," it will be, um... "Not-gay"? Whatever. Screw homophobes and screw using "gay" as slander.

6. Enjoy my retirement by writing books about writing books and losing weight on the food stamp diet.

7. Buy a big-ass teevee and a Wii! ...Because I'll have a lot of spare money for expensive items on SSD. Why do you think people refer to it as being awarded benefits?

OK, that's seven, and seven is enough for this morning, as I wait for my Klonopin and Percocet to take affect. But, since I could only take about 1/4 my normal dose of each because I'm being forced off them (see other ranting posts) I'll probably still get 3/4 the pain, migraine, spasms, etc.

Consarn it.

[Overall disposition: bubbly as champagne!]

Mixx it!

DEAR MORPHINE ADDICT!

[This is a fake letter to me -- one I would receive if I moved from here to DC, had MS (I gave myself a more well-established disorder/disease to put too-fine-a-point on the idiocy I have to deal with), and was treated the way I am being treated by the folks at at Quack Pain Clinic (I didn't want to call it a pain management clinic for obvious reasons) here in Lummox, Jesusland. -Ed.]

Dear new patient,

We understand you just moved to Washington, DC. Congratulations, and thank you for making an appointment with Quack Pain Clinic!

We also understand that you were previously diagnosed with MS.

However, we at QPC simply do not trust your doctors from Lummox (or any doctors from small towns). It is standard medical practice for physicians not to recognize nor accept the hard work of others in their profession and, more so, specialty.

The doctors who diagnosed you with, and began your treatment for, MS may have been wrong. So, of course, the only rational course of action is to begin from square one.

Below is what you will need to do.

1: STOP TAKING EVERY MEDICATION YOU'RE CURRENTLY USING!

If you go through withdrawal because of this, see if you can get into an ER. Most importantly, though, your withdrawal will confirm you're nothing but a drug addict and, with 100 percent certainty, seeking only drugs from this practice, and not relief from your symptoms (which may or may not be MS-related).

The drugs you are on now were prescribed by other doctors from a small town that is in another state! We do things differently here, and so you need to stop taking everything you were told to. Especially the Morphine and Klonopin which, we understand, are the only things that alleviate your breakthrough pain and anxiety.

ESPECIALLY: Since you were diagnosed with MS, the progression of which is slowed or halted by Avonex, you will need to stop taking this immediately. The main symptom of MS -- the relapse of demyelinization in the brain and spinal cord -- which is prevented by the Avonex you currently take WILL NOT, FOR WHAT MAY TAKE FIVE YEARS, BE TREATED BY THIS PRACTICE. We need to be sure you are not an Avonex-seeker. Your condition may become markedly worse during this time.

Please understand our misgivings regarding your former doctors, and our suspicion that you are nothing but a junkie.

We simply cannot take chances with our insurance, nor with the attorney general.

2. See a psychologist and a psychiatrist. Whatever you have -- even if it is MS -- almost surely has its root cause in emotional trauma. Please do not search the Web for scholarly articles or studies that back this up, because you won't find them. Rest assured that we know what is best for you.

3. See a physical therapist. Because it is almost impossible for you to move, and because doing so causes you agony and exhausts you in a matter of minutes, it is incredibly important that you do some kind of workout for at least 30 minutes per day, as though you have no disease/disorder whatsoever.

4. We will follow up in one year if the above people can't help you because, perhaps, emotional trauma is not the only cause of what ails you, and the pain of physical therapy has yielded no gains.

5. At that point, we will have to weed out Spinal Cord compression, Stroke, Acute Disseminated EncephaloMyelitis (ADEM), Lyme disease, Sub-Acute Sclerosing Panencephalitis, Neurosyphilis, Progressive Multifocal Leukoencephalopathy, Systemic Lupus Erythematosus, Cerebral Arteritis, Complicated Migraine, Diabetes, Hypothyroidism, Myasthenia Gravis, Acute Transverse Myelitis, Herpes Simplex Encephalitis, Polyarteritis nodosa, Sjogren syndrome, Behcet's syndrome, Sarcoidosis, Paraneoplastic syndromes, neuromyelitis optica (Devic's syndrome), HIV-associated myelopathy, Adrenomyeloneuropathy, other Myelopathy, Spinocerebellar syndromes, Hereditary Spastic Paraparesis, Guillian Barre Syndrome, Polymyositis, Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo, Parkinson's Disease, Cerebral Haemorrhage, Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), Mononeuritis, Huntington's Disease, Post-Infectious Encephalitis, Arteriovenous Malformations, Arachnoid Cysts, Arnold-Chiari Malformations, Cervical Spondylosis, and many more.

We will confirm or rule these out one at a time.

6. Then, if your diagnosis of MS is definitive -- perhaps in two to three years (though almost certainly longer), which it took your doctors in Lummox to diagnose and treat improperly -- you will be prescribed aspirin for your pain. Work with your psychologist and psychiatrist on your resentment toward our practice, and on any other MS symptoms with your physical therapist. This will be the extent of your treatment.

7. Please keep in mind that 1/3 of our patients have gotten 50 percent better on this protocol. (This has nothing to do with the fact that about 1/3 of people respond positively to placebos -- anything -- and these people report roughly 50 percent improvement).

8. If you seek a second opinion, we will be sure this other doctor hears about you from us before your visit. This is our policy with all drug seekers.

Finally, welcome to Quack Pain Clinic. Thanks to our policy, above, you will find that we are your only option! Should you survive the withdrawal from the various medications you are now on, we look forward to seeing you!

Sincerely,

Theducksays Quack, MD, and everyone at QPC

Mixx it!