Dear Ten Percent Of Portland:

Yes, I have a cigarette. I definitely could spare one.

However, I'm not about to set a precedent that would have me give away two cartons a week. So I lie to you and, as far as you, five percent of Portland, know (the other five know I'm lying), I'm perpetually smoking my last cigarette, and quite sorry that I can't help you out.

Importantly, however: I'm the farthest thing from sorry. If you, dear would-be-cig-bummer, were a smoker -- a true addict -- you'd never let yourself be without your nicotine delivery devices. Get serious about your vices or fuck the fuck off.

Mixx it!