13 January, 2008


The marcaine is wearing off. Could I get these goddam injections the rest of my life every two weeks? Every day, so doctors can do my entire back, starting at my C1 vertebra, giving me the max daily dose of the solution then going on down to my coccyx then starting all over again in an endless cycle? What relief will that provide?

Everything. fucking. wears. off.

And why are doctors fine with injecting me with a sea of marcaine, but not prescribing a mountain of painkillers?

Is it simply that we're a motherfucking Puritan nation that sticks to The Old Ways? If it isn't, I'm in too much goddam pain right now to think of a better way to be angry about this! ...Still, as a former Catholic, I'm used to the formula: Anything that makes you feel good is wrong. So marcaine burns in the muscle, but gives me relief for two days. Two Kadian could, presumably, do that (I've never taken it -- my experience is with oxycodone and Kadian is extended-release morphine), but without the burn.

But pills are wrong. Pills can be diverted from their intended users...

...Which makes me think I should pull a raid on Lummox Life Care (a hospice with an Orwellian name like all of them). I would steal from only the already dead, and end up with IV bags I would have to store in the snow in the back yard so they stay fresh and sterile. Then I could have myself on a just-perfect drip and write this pablum forever...

Until summer came and the snow melts. Then it would be time to have a serious talk with the parents.


ANXIETY (repetition of the word is difficult and ineffective... Imagine if you were the noise from the radiator in Eraserhead...): 10/10 -- due, in large part, to how anxious I am about having to be anxious about my pain mismanagement... Fuck I hate the Jesusland.

REMINDER TO CALL DISABILITY LAWYERS TOMORROW: Very important. I have to get my back-pay and get the hell out of Lummox and to a city where there is concrete and public transportation and doctors who accepted long ago that fibro is motherfucking real! (I'm anxious.)]

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