19 February, 2008


"Today I really struggle[d] with my fibromyalgia..."

And that's after taking (so far today):

200mg Ultram (does nothing, hoping for placebo effect... Anything, somehow...)

4mg Klonopin, can't take any more today, so I'm up Shit Creek without a flotation device.

150mg Vistaril, something my quack shrink, Dr Douchebag, gave me when he took away 2mg Klonopin daily (knocked me down from 6mg to 4mg on my first visit, practically as a way of saying hello). I think it's a fucking antihistamine. Christ...

8mg Zanaflex, just taken out of desperation. Zanaflex is supposed to reduce muscle spasticity. Joyous drug...

All this to try to tolerate being alive on this foul day as I have no doc to go to -- Dr 9 is on vacation, so I can't go in for a shot of Demerol or even an IV of Benadryl... Goddam it I'd take anything to sleep or be in less pain or... Christ, not be the thing I am now.

Anxious about the What if the Pain Center doesn't help me this Friday? I'll be totally, completely fucked.

And the pain, I cannot stress enough, is unbearable. I can't think of anything else and it's the one thing I don't want to think about...

Now I can't write any more. Too much being upright for today.

I hope to post tomorrow and the next -- off Friday for the Center appt. -- and then to write Saturday with great news. Hopefully of an oxycodone script large enough to kill a horse, but simply make my daily life bearable.

Viva hate...

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